


A Young Heart is a Fickle Thing

by delicateclarity



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, F/F, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-17
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-29 14:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicateclarity/pseuds/delicateclarity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Santana finds Rachel's diary, and it contains some shocking information. Angsty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Young Heart is a Fickle Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Pezberry Week, day 7 (free day). Read on my blog [ here. ](http://elberethgithoniel.tumblr.com/post/43287730333/ficlet-a-young-heart-is-a-fickle-thing-pezberry-week)

Santana was alone on a friday night. What the _fuck_? This wouldn’t have happened in Lima, and she was in New York City now. The only date she had was with she and Rachel’s couch and a “Pretty Little Liars” marathon.  
  
Before Kurt and his boyfriend moved in together, the two of them would spend some friday nights together, exploring the city and (one time) crying over exes.  
  
But now she was alone, and fighting off a feeling of loneliness. She didn’t even have Rachel, who said she would be out tonight doing god knows what.  
  
Santana sighed, got up from the couch, and stretched. She was pretty sure the DVDs were in Rachel’s bedroom...  
  
As she walked in, she noticed a notebook on the bed. The cover was black with a large gold star in the middle with the words “Rachel Berry’s Diary” emblazoned in cursive. Holy shit.  
  
Before she and Rachel became friends, Santana would have photocopied every page and posted it on the internet. But now... she picked it up, thinking.  
  
Friends or not, she couldn’t turn down this opportunity to read it. Maybe she could leave Rachel some threatening notes. “Take out the trash or I’ll spill your deepest secrets -A”  
  
Definitely. Santana smirked and walked back over to the couch, flipping to the most recent entry. It was from today.  
  
 _Dear Barbra,_  
  
Fucking christ. Of course Berry would.  
  
 _Tonight I’m going to break up with Evan. I was going to stay with him, but after I forgot what I was going to say when I saw Santana this morning, I’ve decided that it wouldn’t be fair to him. I like him, but I love Santana._  
  
What?  
  
Santana snapped the diary closed, tossing it onto the coffee table.  
  
Loved her? Was that little gremlin being serious? Her heart was racing and her hands shaking as she contemplated.  
  
She picked the diary back up.  
  
 _My Dads have taught me that sexuality is fluid, but it sure would have been nice to talk to Santana as I figured this whole thing out. I’m pretty sure I’m not actually gay like she is, I really did love Finn at the time. But I was afraid if I talked to her about sexuality I would have said too much. Like, the whole reason I started questioning was her._  
  
 _Anyway, I think it’ll help if I tackle this new chapter of my life single, at least for now. I’ll gradually let Santana know that I like girls, and then later that I like_ her _, but not yet. I’m really afraid that I’ll get rejected. I’m still pretty sure that she only tolerates me even though I make her food that isn’t fully vegan, because I know she doesn’t like it. Wish me luck, Barbra!_  
  
 _Rachel Berry ★_  
  
Well, shit.  
  
~  
  
And _of fucking course_ , moments later, Rachel walked in the door. She was silent, lost in herself, looking sad. Santana’s breath caught, her heart still pounding from all the new information.  
  
“Rachel?” she called out hoarsely, and cursed herself a moment later for sounding so vulnerable. Rachel’s gaze snapped over to Santana, and slid down to the book in her lap that Santana had closed after she finished reading. Her eyes immediately widened, and she looked afraid as she opened her mouth. Only a squeak came out; the infamously talkative Rachel Berry was at a loss for words.  
  
“San-Santana I-” Rachel stuttered out before bringing her lips together tightly. Santana gestured at the seat beside her. “Can we talk?”  
  
Rachel cautiously sat, eyes flickering from Santana to the floor and back. “Did you break up with him?” There wasn’t a point in starting gently.  
  
Rachel nodded mutely.  
  
“Why?” Santana didn’t mean for her tone to sound accusatory, but she wasn’t sure what to do.  
  
“You know. You know why.” Rachel shrunk further into herself, a rare sight from someone normally so confident. Santana saw her swallow dryly, eyes flickering around the room.  
  
“Of all people, why _me_? God, I’ve been horrible to you for so fucking long, I just don’t understand, Rachel.” Santana stared at her, desperate for answers.  
  
“It’s not like I could help it! You think I wanted this, I planned this? I’ve been trying to ignore it for so long and I just, I _can’t_. And every fault you have, the awful things you’ve done to me, I can’t even make myself care about them, because you have these moments, Santana, and you look at me and I feel all warm inside and when you’re snarky I think it’s funny and-” Rachel stopped herself from rambling further, borderline hysterical and clearly trying to fight tears.   
  
There was silence for a long minute, waiting for what they both knew was coming.  
  
“I consider you a really good friend, Rachel. You’re ambitious and talented and beautiful, but-”  
  
“ _But-_ ” Rachel mocked bitterly, waiting for the rest.  
  
“-but I don’t love you back.”  
  
Rachel closed her eyes, letting a couple tears slide down her face. “I know” she answered, her voice thick. “I wasn’t expecting you to. I didn’t expect you to find out like _this_ , though,” she gestured towards the diary lying between them.  
  
Santana felt the heat gathering behind her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly, earnestly, before standing up.  
  
“I’m going to Kurt’s.” Santana turned and walked towards the door. Rachel nodded behind her, looking down into her lap.  
  
At the sound of a closing door, Rachel let herself break down, crying into her hands. Santana heard on the other side, clenching her hands into fists and trying to just breathe. She thought of how hopeful the diary entry had sounded, and how shattered Rachel sounded now.  
  
Something they couldn’t get past was between them, and neither of them knew how to fix it.


End file.
